I wrote this reflection on night last week. I share it here as a continuing sharing of the story of shaving my head ...
I went out tonight, wearing a scarf on my head that made me look more like a cancer patient than even the shaved head of six weeks ago. I feel self conscious. I felt unable to wear a dress for a masquerade ball with my hair so lifeless, so nothing.
I went out tonight wearing a dress that is pretty and semi formal, but it is no ball gown. I feel self conscious all over, from my hair down to my curvy body. I feel uncomfortable in my skin again.
I went out tonight wearing blue, not the red I began to put on. Sometimes blue is a confident colour, but tonight it was just blue. Like the blue grey cloud that began to descend throughout the day, though I had the day off, spent time with my best friend, have spent time with three of them so far this week, and family.
I went out tonight, though it took great effort, though there was little energy left, and none by the time I left, still early. I spent it all in conversation, laughter, dancing. Strange all that activity spent it, rather than replenished it.
I went out tonight, for a friend who goes out of her way for her friends. I went out to celebrate life, to be present. I went. I was there.