Friday, 14 March 2014

in which my needy blue comes back for more attention

I could say it is because I shaved my head, confronted myself with the frailty of my humanness.
It is the challenge of calling myself to account and refusing to continue living in fear that I don't have enough, paying a cost in order to find ways in which I have enough to share.
Perhaps I am tired of living in a liminal space, a waiting space for something to unfold.
This sarah tells stories 'ministry' might be making me feel vulnerable, on the edge again, as I put myself out there with the gifts I have to offer; the edge, where I know I've been wounded before.
Or maybe it was the death of a congregation member; grief alone, or as the final straw on a loaded back.

For two days I have been flat, lethargic, blue. The depression. It comes and goes; usually it comes back just when you begin to think it has finally gone for good.

There is a temptation to analyse - why has it come back? And the list I've noted is a very good list of potential triggers. What would be the point? So I can choose to avoid those situations again? What, and not be me? Not be faithfully living out my Christian spirituality, or my identity, my calling? Not enter into relationships with others?

But does there need to be a reason at all?

Can it not be enough that I live with this illness, and there will be days like this?

And can I simply be kind to myself? Allow myself the time in bed to rest (which I did this morning). Go gently through the day and its tasks to still accomplish something (which I did today). Feel the blue, the fog; cry the tears - let the depression have its time, but keep moving towards the light.


Blue is one of the colours we all live with. For me, it colours in more days, comes in far more shades, than for folk who live without depression. Maybe my blue will eventually need less attention, retreat to create a more healthy balance.
Maybe it won't.
What I have learnt, though, is to live through the blue days without closing the pallette at blue. If I keep doing things that other colours like - pink's peace and comfort, purple's rest, green's renewing, yellow's joy - they will come back, and blue will retreat to make room.

I'm not sure I'll go out tonight, face the room full of 200+ people where I am meant to be. There's still time to decide. But if I stay in, it won't be because the blue is holding me down. It will be because I choose to give space to purple's rest, pink's peace. If I go out, perhaps it will be to invite yellow's joy or green's renewing, red's love in the company of friends.


Either way, the blue is here again, and I will give it the attention it needs. I won't waste my time with 'why'?
I will simply be kind to me.

2 comments:

Suse said...

Yes, be kind to you, Sarah

Anonymous said...

Sarah, your writing is so honest and beautiful. That book is waiting.....
Glenys