sometimes life is hard
previous posts about healing notwithstanding, and not wanting to diminish the tragic hardships facing many of my fellow Australians, not to mention people around the world - sometimes life is hard
my sisters have been applying for jobs for months, without success. the relentless rejection is taking its toll, and it is increasingly difficult to remain positive, to expect that the 'yes' is just around the corner. and there's no explaining it - without being overly biased, they would both be fabulous assets for any employer - so why oh why do potential employers keep overlooking them? i don't understand it. and even i am finding it difficult to trust that the Spirit is moving through this - we feel no peace, we have no hope ... we are deflated.
please pray with us. pray for us.
i am delighted in my placement at Belair Uniting. at the moment, it is a welcome source of joy amidst struggle.
this is a half time placement. the hope has been that i will therefore be able to spend the other half of my working hours continuing to lead the Esther Project, the alternative Christian community of creativity and storytelling that started in August 2009.
there was much uncertainty for 2010 for me and for the esther project, as we waited for me to receive a call to an established congregation. we weren't sure until we knew which congregation whether the esther project would stay with its host congregation, or move with me, or even cease to be. it is such a fragile new venture that the latter was a very real possibility. but there is still so much untapped potential for the esther project, that it would be a deep disappointment if it were to end here.
our host community have begun to wonder if an enriched partnership with this fresh expression of church would in fact inject some new life into their community, help move them in new directions towards which they hope to go. but with a limited budget of their own, and the difficult questions of what such a relationship would look like and how it will challenge us all to change, the past few months have been quite a struggle. not least because we are all very aware of the implications of not enough funding on my life.
i have lived on a shoestring budget for most of my adult life, pursuing dreams and the enticing call of the Spirit. I don't regret it, or begrudge it, and i have been humbled by the unceasing generosity of my parents in particular, and the support of friends and the church through this time. but, as so many in our world know, the constant worry about how one will pay one's bills, the stress of having to rely on ailing and ageing second or third hand cars - it is exhausting.
part of my struggle at the moment is that i had expected that at this point, taking up a new position as a minister, a position of some responsibility, i would no longer be the poor student mimicking Oliver with my hands out again and again - please, may i have some more.
it is demoralising to have to continue to ask for money, whether it is seeking a loan to get me through the transition from student stipend to minister's stipend, or having to seek out possible avenues for funding for the esther project so that i might be paid - i just want to be able to stop worrying about having not quite enough so that i can be free to do the jobs God is calling me to do.
and i want to delete those words, because it sounds ungrateful and like the whinging of a white middle class educated person when so many in the world don't have enough food to eat or a roof over their head.
i knew this call to new forms of church and ordained ministry would be hard. so i am not surprised. i am very close to being overwhelmed. and if i didn't know this call is from God and trust it; if i hadn't experienced the joy and wonder of the Spirit moving through each and every gathering of the esther project in the past 18 months; if i couldn't picture the people for whom this has been a gift - i would probably walk away.
sometimes life is hard. i am looking forward to the clouds clearing and the sun shining on a new day of joy and light.
6 comments:
Thanks for sharing Sarah, I wish I could relate less to what you are saying but alas I can't, I've been/am there therefore I do find this an encouragement, pioneering is a hard slog, sharing the journey is such a key hey?! Peace to you.
it is certainly good to know there are others out here in the uncharted pioneering territories! the feeling alone is one of the hardest parts of it - alone, misunderstood, facing resistance ... thanks Dan.
I know you are still well when you can still finish on a positive note -'looking forward to the clouds clearing and the sun shining on a new day of joy and light.'
I know you know that in our darkest days God is right there closer than ever. Hang in there together and look for the candles that illuminate the gloom ... just where God is.
ah, yes, good reminder - to seek candles offering flickering glimpses of light. thanks mum :o)
Sarah, sending you encouragement. The Esther Project has been a gift to many. Hoping that possibilities unfold for you ... that either funding works out or another half-time position becomes available or another opportunity presents that is as yet unimagined. I have no doubt your wisdom and creativity and spirit will come through whether it is in a conventional church setting or in the EP or teaching or writing or ministering to young people as you did at NCYC ... you are a woman of many gifts. Prayers and hugs, to you and to your sisters too x
Sarah, I appreciate so very much your vitality, depth and passion, together with the selfless way in which you give of your person, in word, presence and spirit. While its easy to say with words, your integrity, value of humanity and human life and encouraging soul, are of far greater value than the finer creature comforts of which our world is accustomed.
Having said this, know that I participate in the prayers of the great Intercessor as He continues relentlessly for yourself and your sisters.
Peace to you in you wisdom, integrity and grace. May you know the value of the niche you hold in this world.
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