At this very moment, contemplating the next 10 months and the dreams I've been bravely broadcasting to everyone, I feel sick with nerves. Right now, I would be quite happy if these holidays could go on a little longer, and I didn't have to write a play, find people to help put it on, develop budgets and business plans, and guide a new community into being. And I know there is a Creative Spirit who might be enabling all this, but I've opened myself up to that Spirit and it's a scary thing. It's my face in the paper, my name on the project. What have I started?
Will there be people who want to act, direct, make costumes, design sets, develop and manage budgets???
I have been working on this with my supervisor for most of this year. We have done a lot of work laying a foundation for this theatre company to be built on. Why, then, do I feel underprepared for this giant task? Why do I feel like I need more time before it begins?? We have got the tasks broken down, the agreement with the host congregation almost complete, a time line of when to do what ...
I think I need to stop thinking about it - I really am making myself feel ill ...
No, I wanted to be honest, to record the feelings of this moment, standing on the precipice as it were. And, honestly, I am scared. I believe in the vision, I believe in the Sacred call in this direction for me and for the church. But I am scared. It's a doubting/ wavering moment - confidence in the call, doubt I can do what is being asked of me. There are characters all through the Sacred Story who have this doubting / wavering moment. I can only think of the disciples right now, but they're a good example, at the moment when Jesus appears to them after the resurrection - they believe, which we see in their immediate response of worship, but they doubt, the narrator tells us. They aren't sure about what God is doing.
Well, there are a lot of unknowns about this Esther project - will it be the only project for this company? will we even be successful with this one? will I be able to care for the people, lead them, develop a team of leaders, help a new community form and grow?
I don't know.
I don't think I can.
I will have to focus on remaining open so that the Sacred, Creative, Wise, Spirit can do it through me.
that sounds twee and cliche, but it is true, so I guess I'll leave it there. I can't finish this post with I can't do it.