Wednesday, 17 June 2009

The Esther Project - starting block nerves

I am on the eve of what feels at this moment like the biggest thing I've ever embarked on. ncyc nitelife manager, organising the evening activities for 200+ people was pretty big, so I've organised a big event before. I've also written and directed a play before - two actually. for much smaller audiences. I've curated some alternative church spaces, too. So what's the problem?? 
At this very moment, contemplating the next 10 months and the dreams I've been bravely broadcasting to everyone, I feel sick with nerves. Right now, I would be quite happy if these holidays could go on a little longer, and I didn't have to write a play, find people to help put it on, develop budgets and business plans, and guide a new community into being. And I know there is a Creative Spirit who might be enabling all this, but I've opened myself up to that Spirit and it's a scary thing. It's my face in the paper, my name on the project. What have I started? 
Will there be people who want to act, direct, make costumes, design sets, develop and manage budgets??? 
I have been working on this with my supervisor for most of this year. We have done a lot of work laying a foundation for this theatre company to be built on. Why, then, do I feel underprepared for this giant task? Why do I feel like I need more time before it begins?? We have got the tasks broken down, the agreement with the host congregation almost complete, a time line of when to do what ... 
I think I need to stop thinking about it - I really am making myself feel ill ... 

No, I wanted to be honest, to record the feelings of this moment, standing on the precipice as it were. And, honestly, I am scared. I believe in the vision, I believe in the Sacred call in this direction for me and for the church. But I am scared. It's a doubting/ wavering moment - confidence in the call, doubt I can do what is being asked of me. There are characters all through the Sacred Story who have this doubting / wavering moment. I can only think of the disciples right now, but they're a good example, at the moment when Jesus appears to them after the resurrection - they believe, which we see in their immediate response of worship, but they doubt, the narrator tells us. They aren't sure about what God is doing. 
Well, there are a lot of unknowns about this Esther project - will it be the only project for this company? will we even be successful with this one? will I be able to care for the people, lead them, develop a team of leaders, help a new community form and grow? 
I don't know. 
I don't think I can. 
I will have to focus on remaining open so that the Sacred, Creative, Wise, Spirit can do it through me. 

that sounds twee and cliche, but it is true, so I guess I'll leave it there. I can't finish this post with I can't do it. 

3 comments:

Michelle Coram said...

"Courage is not the absence of fear but the judgment that something else is more important than fear."

The world needs crazy, creative people like you who dare to dream big ...

Sending you good thoughts!

sarah agnew said...

thanks Michelle, us crazy creative people stick together!

Heather said...

Yeah, well said, Michelle. Feel the fear and do it anyway, Sarah. OXO