sometimes it feels as though I am moving backwards on various elements of life. i have written here before of the joys of discovering a way of begin that embraces wholeness, that has wellness as its norm, as opposed to the constant pain and discomfort of the back injuries i lived with from the age of 12.
the next steps in the journey into wellness seem to be to kick the depression habit. perhaps it isn't entirely a habit, but it is certainly a part of my identity, after 17 years. can i move from being a person that lives with depression to a person who lived with depression?
concurrently, i feel as though i am ready to move off the plateau i had reached on a journey towards a way of being that is contemplative, almost the way of a mystic.
there is a lot to let go of as i move towards goals that i do want to embrace, but the sacrifices for which i am still occasionally unsure i am prepared to make.
but, as i reflect on these changes, i wonder, will the two journeys complement each other?
living without depression will take away an excuse for my preferred reclusiveness. living as a contemplative creative person will offer a certain amount of time in quiet prayerful solitude.
living without depression will take away the inspiration for poetry. time in contemplation and prayer often leads to the writing of poems.
living without depression will take away the familiar black dog who has been a companion for so long. living as a contemplative will offer deeper companionship with the Sacred.
living without depression will change who i think i am. time in contemplation and prayer will lead me into a fulness of being who i am becoming.
sometimes i am afraid of who i am becoming - or of losing who i was, perhaps, fear of the unknown causing me to forget that i like who i am becoming, love who i am becoming in fact, and want to be well, and whole.
so i take small steps forward, and when i seem to have stepped back a bit, i recognise the fear that has overcome me for a moment, remind myself of how it feels to be well, and find the courage to step forward again, into the great unknown.
and it is also helpful to also remind myself that the Holy One is waiting there, is standing beside me, is breathing within me