one day I'll leave this congregation ... one day very soon

Today was the last time I will play in the band at the church that has been home for more than 10 years. Another in a series of lasts I've been noting over the past 6–8 months. Knowing I was going to be moving to go into my supervised field education placement, I've been aware of the goodbye that is looming between my and my church family. Because of the nature of my placement, starting a theatre company and associated Christian community, which we hope will continue, and therefore with which I may stay involved in one capacity or another, I may not return to Blackwood UC. So I'm saying goodbye as if it's for good, whereas an ordinary sfe placement might have seen me come back 'home' for a while before leaving for good. You see, I've known for years this day would come - it inevitably does if you answer a call to ordained ministry. That's just the first in a series of calls, and one day you'll be called to your first placement, then there will be other calls to other faith communities and placements. 

The thing is, I'm not sure how I feel about this goodbye. I'm terribly good at leaving things behind, not staying in touch with people from previous places of employment, old neighbours, etc. I move on well. Perhaps too well. 

But these people are family, and there's a part of me that doesn't want to leave them behind. Perhaps I'm worried I will, from past experience? 

And there's a part of me that is ready to go, raring to get into this Esther project and see what might become in terms of Christian community gathering around a theatre company. 

I suppose I feel sad, and I feel happy; I feel fear, and I feel courage; I feel loss and I feel gain. 

Of course the connection won't be entirely severed, as my parents and sisters still worship at Blackwood, and there are friends I'm sure I won't leave behind. 

This is the nature of ministry, and I know I'm good at moving on, though I'm afraid of being too good, and leaving too much behind. 

I've still got six weeks at Blackwood, a few more 'lasts', and the final goodbye, as the 'one day' approaches faster and faster ... 

storytelling workshops 4 July

Planning is coming along for the storytelling workshop on 4 July. We'll have workshops on reading the bible aloud, introduction to storytelling, the ins and outs of storytelling - why we do it, and how one person is discovering the telling of the Gospel of Mark, telling (as opposed to reading) stories to children, and much more. 

musing on individualism

yesterday as I was out walking, my musing took a turn to individualism, as it does, and I reflected that for helping us to empower people towards their wholeness, pursuing calling / vocation / dreams without restriction from gender, class, race, age stereotypes, individualism might be thanked. But for helping us to the opinion that the consequences of our actions, where they don't affect us, are irrelevant, individualism is to blame, but we can offer no thanks. This turn in my musing was sparked by two young people on a see-saw thing in the playground, treating it so roughly I was sure it would break. 

another alternative worship space

Adding more links all the time - today I've heard about an Anglican congregation creating an alternative worship space on sunday evenings (the blog is mcleod's musings). I'm hoping to get along and worship with them some time soon. It's exciting to hear about others who are taking this emerging journey, discovering and more often than not, creating new paths to community and to the Sacred. 

STOMP

What an experience! That is why we need the arts - to make us feel. And last night was an experience of joy. Deeply felt, and expressed, joy. 

STOMP creates rhythm using skill, artistry and lots of energy. Comedy runs throughout, and there was one point where I was laughing so much I had tears streaming from my eyes. Gold. 

We were involved in creating rhythm, at some points discovering our own creativity, and at others our frailty - we didn't always get it right! 

This show doesn't tell a story with a plot, but it has little stories woven around the characters the performers have created. These characters delight and engage you, build a relationship with you, as well as entertain you. 

The rhythms are at some points loud and boistrous, verging on being too much for you so that you want to step back, then they switch to a subtle, soft, melodious rhythm that pull you back in. 

Amidst some weeks of relentless back pain that is exhausting and, well, painful, that hour and a half of joy was welcome relief. 

Getting excited about the Esther project

I think people might actually catch this vision for a theatre company / alt.church community. What an exciting thought! 

Met today with some of the key support people for my field education placement, which is the Esther project, and we're on the right track. Our planning and preparing is in line with what the college would like us to cover, the host congregation are getting excited, the minister is excited, my supervisor is excited, the college, my fellow students - hey, I am excited!! 

I hope I don't get so impatient to get the assignments done and out of the way so I can get started on the project that I don't do the assignments well ... 

I also hope that if you're reading this blog and want to be involved in the Esther project, want to know more, or know someone who might be interested you'll contact me, or pass on the info to your friends. We're getting ready to begin ... 

The questions we pose

I wonder what it means that when asked to recall a watershed moment of the realisation of God's love for me I can't bring one to mind. You know those moments, when you become deeply aware of the fact that God loves you, despite your bad language, your selfish disdain for the feelings of others, your preference for sporting matches over church services ... or whatever makes you feel undeserving of God's love. 

Is it because I have never felt I don't deserve to be loved? 

Is it because I don't believe God loves me? 

Is it because my fundamental, transformative, inspirational encounter with God was more about hope in the darkness, a reason to live, strength to crawl out of a very black hole? 

I don't suppose there's any avoiding it, but what do we do when the language we use in our gathered worship, the invitations to reflect that we offer, cause feelings of inadequacy, or doubt, or worry? Not everyone has the resources to invite the question as I have, reflecting on it, sitting with the ambiguous feelings it's evoked in me, and maybe I don't either. How do we offer invitations that include an invitation for further conversation to explore questions? How do we ensure there is 'permission' to question and doubt. 

Now I'm not suggesting these things were lacking in the context in which the question was posed for me - quite the contrary. It does raise the question, though, of how we invite a group to explore their encounters with the Sacred while acknowledging that each encounter is different, each Story of the multiple encounters we have will vary, and not all will include a moment of revelation of God's love for us. It might be altogether darker and scarier than that.